I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Boobs speak an international language.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
