Hippo gnu deer
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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