so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
