we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
