Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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