good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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