I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize