I want to have your abortion
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
