I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
