Pants 0. Shit 1.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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