she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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