I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
