The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
NoShamevember. You game?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
