how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
