drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
