and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
