You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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