I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
