3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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