Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
