I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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