I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
