On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Is that strawberry winking at me??
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
