happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
