i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
