some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
