Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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