im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
