Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
