Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
