If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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