someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
