Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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