She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
