note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
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