Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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