you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
