I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
