uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
