So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
