I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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