Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
