can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
