You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
