So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
the day after is always just damage control
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
FUCK WHALES
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
