His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
