yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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