I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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