Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
