Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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