not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
