what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
