Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
