She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
